Becoming All of Me

A couple of weeks before this walk, something unexpected happened.

I spent an entire day cleaning while listening to the music I loved as a preteen and teenager. Song after song seemed to be speaking directly to me. Memories surfaced, emotions surfaced, and I found myself reconnecting with a version of myself I hadn’t visited in years.

At the time, I didn’t know what was happening.

Looking back now, I think I do.

That day wasn’t about cleaning.

It was about integration.

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A couple of Sundays later, the couple I met in the park a few months ago texted me.

“We’re at the park if you want to join us.”

It had just stopped raining. I was in the middle of editing a podcast episode and debated whether I should leave. But I hadn’t seen Iraj and Sima since they invited me over for lunch a month earlier, and I missed them.

Since that lunch, they had continued checking on me, sending messages, and simply showing me that they valued our friendship.

So I grabbed my scooter and headed to the park.

As I pulled up, I saw Sima waving both arms over her head with the biggest smile on her face. She greeted me with a huge hug.

I purposely left the key in my scooter.

I already knew what was coming.

Sima was going to ride it.

And she did.

When I say that scooter turns her into a little kid, I mean it. She went from being a woman with a bad knee to a child who wasn’t coming home until the streetlights came on. She laughed, rode circles around us, and yelled for us to take videos so she could send them to her family.

While Sima played, Iraj and I stood talking about the World Cup, world events, and housing markets.

Adult conversations.

That’s when I noticed something.

My adult felt completely at home.

Eventually Sima came back and asked if I was going to head home or walk with them.

Editing the podcast could wait.

My soul chose friendship.

As we walked, it began sprinkling again.

Sima started singing a song about rain in Farsi and then smiled.

“I like to sing.”

Then she looked at me and said,

“Your turn.”

Naturally, I sang “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

It had been raining for days.

It seemed appropriate.

Not long after, we stopped to admire a tiny baby frog no bigger than a quarter.

A few minutes later Iraj and I were discussing housing prices.

Then a snail crossed our path.

Immediately Sima and I were talking about snails. I shared what I’d learned from watching a documentary about octopuses—that they’re actually closely related to snails.

Little Keri Jo was fascinated.

Sima was right there with me.

Iraj just smiled while the two of us carried on.

We eventually found a bench beside the pond.

The breeze was cool.

The water was calm.

Iraj shared philosophy and quotes about life while Sima kept smiling and saying,

“This is the best day ever.”

She was right.

We weren’t accomplishing anything.

We weren’t fixing anything.

We were simply…being.

For a moment I thought,

This must be what it feels like to have adult parents.

People who simply enjoy being with you exactly as you are.

We sat there for quite a while before making our way back.

Along the way we met a wonderfully chubby dog named Bernadette and heard her life story.

We watched families laughing together.

We found what Iraj thought was a silkworm (which turned out to be a caterpillar), leading to a conversation about how many silkworms it takes to make a silk shirt.

I brought up lightning bugs and catching them in jars as a kid.

We laughed.

We wondered.

We simply enjoyed whatever crossed our path.

When we reached the main part of the park, Sima immediately climbed onto the giant swing overlooking the pond and swung as high as she could.

I laughed because, once again, her inner child had completely taken over.

We hugged goodbye.

As I rode my scooter home, something finally clicked.

Weeks earlier, my teenager had shown up through music.

Today, my child had shown up through scooters, frogs, snails, caterpillars, songs, swings, and lightning bugs.

Meanwhile, my adult had spent the afternoon talking philosophy, the world, and life with Iraj.

That’s when I realized…

The few weeks hadn’t been random.

They had been integration.

My child.

My teenager.

My adult.

For so much of my life, I thought healing meant becoming one person.

Leave the child behind.

Grow out of the teenager.

Become the responsible adult.

But what if healing isn’t choosing one version over another?

What if healing is realizing they all still exist?

My child still finds wonder in frogs, scooters, and lightning bugs.

My teenager still comes alive when music from those years starts playing.

My adult loves deep conversations, philosophy, and understanding the world.

None of them have to disappear.

They can weave in and out of my life, each bringing something beautiful to who I am.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like I was trying to become someone new.

I felt like I was finally becoming all of me.

And Sima was absolutely right.

It really was one of the best days ever.